Miss Judgy McDisgruntledpants

I get so annoyed with what I call "Mommy fads".  Running marathons, DLSR cameras, Fifty Shades of Gray.  These grate on my nerves.  I know that some people genuinely like to run (I still think they are insane, but whatev).  I even would like to be the kind of person who liked to run, because then maybe I would be able to lose weight and get away fast enough so it won't find me again! 

It seriously gets under my skin when I see some mommy at the school holiday performance blocking the center aisle and getting all Annie Leibovitz with her little darling and getting in the way of everyone else's (read "my") cell phone shot because they (I) didn't bring a camera, yet again.  I just keep thinking how many hundreds of dollars that camera must have cost and don't they have anything better do with their money.  I think my disdain has something to do with what I would like myself to be and what I know myself to be.  I would like to be the type of parent that beautifully and patiently documents every joyous moment and milestone in my children's lives.  Who I am is a mother who likes her kids to be involved in only one activity at a time so it doesn't make her crazy trying to get to and from all over the place all week. 

I don't find much joy or appreciation in being me, much of time.  I just am, and always have been, someone who is just decent.  Decent at school, decent at sports, decent friend.  I just am a utility player and don't excel or am not the best at anything.  I wonder where that comes from and why does it bother me so much? 



Quietly freaking out inside

I am hoping my exterior is calm.  That I appear confident, but not cocky.  I wish I had taken that prep course.  I have an exam today, that is really of no consequence except that if I fail, my ego will take a bruising and my pocketbook with take a hit, since I will then have to pay for a prep course and the exam again. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we not prepare as we know we should?  Why do we spend and not save, tan and not apply sunscreen, do nothing then run around cleaning in a panic?  Is it the rush, is it confidence that gets tossed aside in a moment of self-doubt? Does the risk come with a welcome reward? 

I am wondering all these things and yet, I am sure I will probably continue to do most of them - although I think I am learning...

The Cold, Cruel Finger of Doubt

There are times when you feel so inspired, so right, and oh so perfectly perfect with an idea that it seems it can't possible fail and how could you have been so blind not to see it before now.

And, then...with the weight of silence, zero feedback, no response from those that have been sought for their input and the dead eye stare when one finally receives a connection...doubt begins to squeeze.

My life is average, but I seek to make it more.  My life is very good and I seek to recognize and appreciate it more.  My potential is great, and I seek to make something wonderful happen.  I have had many flashes of inspiration, of insight and of "the next great thing".  All tossed to the side, either in recognition of their flaws or in frustration and impatience. 

A work in progress, must be recognized as both WORK and PROGRESS.  To steadily toil at something is neither futile nor desperate, but admirable.  I should remember this and if the work along the way brings some joy to my heart, all the better, no matter the outcome.

Speak to Me

I love books.  I love to read, I love how they smell.  I love the thought of all those words, with all that potential.  When I walk into a bookstore, I just smile. I feel my brain open up, my heart lifts and I am inspired. 

Every step of the process is a little piece of my past calling out to me.  My love of a good story, the marketing, advertising and graphic design process, the printing and manufacturing, the logistics of it all.  It all speaks to me.

Speak to me, this phrase has been resonating with me for the better part of a year.  Whenever something fits, or inspires and draws me to a new place, I always say it speaks to me.  Now I know what does speak to me, with the voice of all my years.  Books and bringing them to people who will love them.  It is a new adventure - and trust me, I am always full of big ideas!  How long it will last and what shape it will take, I do not know.  For now, I know that I will find a way to listen to this voice that speaks to me.

Name, Email, Website

I have recently started following quite a few blogs on a consistent basis.  Not surprisingly, a few times I have wanted to comment and have found that many ask not only for your name and email, but for a website, too.  This is evidently a "thing".  I didn't have a website, I don't know that many people that do.  I have WANTED a website, I've tried to blog a couple of times, but had a difficult time thinking of anything interesting to say. 

But here it is.  THIS is the corner of the web I have declared as mine! It will be collection of what I find interesting, funny, smart, stupid, clever and whatever.  Perhaps I will eventually write that finance book or mystery novel.  Whatever it will be, it will be. 

I am dedicating myself to this, something that is finally just mine, to be for me...and you, I guess, if you decide you'd like to stay.  Just remember, I will need your name, email and website.

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