One of 52

For about the the last year and a half I have been doing a lot of reading, in books and online, about personal development, happiness, motivation, goals, etc. (Brene' Brown- love her TED talk and website, her books are great too -Gretchen Rubin - really loved The Happiness Project, wasn't as excited about Happier at Home-, The Bloggess-Jenny Lawson, Mighty Girl-Maggie Mason, TEDtalks, the books START and Secrets of Happy Families). 

One of the websites I joined is Go Mighty, it is a networking/goal setting website. The problem was, I knew I wanted to accomplish SOMETHING, but I couldn't figure out what. I couldn't thing of anything that felt authentic, challenging, reasonable or noteworthy. I realized that I want/need a cheerleader - someone who would be on my side, whatever I wanted to do - someone to tell me, "Yes, you can totally do this. What do you need? How can I help?" So, I decided to put in the universe what I wanted. I completely get a rush being a part of someone else's excitement. I'm a good problem-solver, kind of a jack of most trades, like to learn new things, so this seemed right up my alley. I decided to help 52 people reach their goals. I picked 52 because I like lists, it seems challenging, but not overwhelming, and since there are 52 weeks in a year, it felt right!

On Wednesday, I sent to a friend a first round edit, done pro-bono, to help her reach her goal of publishing her book.  This experience was work, no doubt, but fun, too.  It felt great to reach out to someone and help propel them toward their dream.  It was a fulfilling experience to give someone a piece of my work.  I was hesitant, at first, because we are friends.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings or discourage her in some manner.  I decided to lean into the discomfort and give my best, honest opinion and trust that she would take the work in the spirit it was given - love and excitement and encouragement to reach her dreams.  

I am looking forward to the next person I can help and hope that somewhere along the way, I find what I am meant to do. 

Your Requests Wanted

       This morning another “BIG IDEA” was percolating and I was turning it over and looking at it and the steps it may require. I was starting to get that pressure in my chest, brain to big for my skull, second-guessing and anxiety / fear pushing it away before I had even verbalized or put one word on paper.  To combat that gremlin, I was going to have another go at my list on Go Mighty and see if there was a way I could put it out there in the universe.  

And then I saw this goal. Help 52 people reach their goals. I don’t really remember writing this goal. The words resonated with me, it felt true.  It is even somewhat linked to the “BIG IDEA” I had this morning.  So now, I am actively on a quest to find 52 people achieve their goals. 

YOUR REQUESTS WANTED!

Need an extra set of eyes on book you’re writing?

Looking for an objective party to give you honest feedback?

Need help making a budget?

Want someone to text/email you everyday to check on your activity levels?

Looking for someone to enter data in a spreadsheet?

Have 5 years of taxes that need to be done?

I want to help.  Let me know what you need and I will do what I can to get you closer to your goal.

Changing Perspectives

"If you haven't had a major change of mind in the last five years, you haven't experienced growth."  A friend of mine posted something to that effect as her Facebook status about 2 years ago.  It has been nagging at me ever since.

I could not wrap my head around this.  Why would one HAVE to have a major shift in thinking to grow?  Are we all "wrong" about something if others don't agree?  Guess what?  We are all wrong, all the time, about everything, if that is true.  I initially took this as a challenge, or affront, to my currently held beliefs of all that is fodder for the never-ending news cycle: guns, religion, politics.

What I have concluded though, are that "Major Changes" in thinking, don't have to be major at all, or sudden, or even particularly noticeable at a given time.  I realized that I have had a seismic shift in how I think of parenting, expectations for my children, and education.  As a back story, let me explain that I am a "follow the rules, toe the line, listen to authority" kind of girl.  I become anxious, angry, and nauseous at the mere thought of breaking any kind of rule or social norm.  I am learning, as Brene' Brown says, to lean into the discomfort.

I have decided now that it is more important for my children to be who they are rather than what anyone else wants them to be. I do still hold the expectation for them to have at least a B average (I know myself enough to know I can't let it go completely) - if they are not struggling or working on learning new concepts. But grades are just one tiny measure of the potential of what someone can contribute to the world.  Put my son in a programming class, and watch out - he will be immersed.  Give my daughter anything artistically creative and she will wow you with her concentration.  I am dismissing from my mind that they must attend college to get ahead in the world.  Both of my children are very bright, but the best part is they see the world with a creative and humorous lens  - and I love that.

I am taking a page from Celebrate Calm and letting go of my own anxiety when my children do not do as I or society expects.  I am listening to some of John Bradshaw and Brene' Brown's ideas about shame and parenting.  I am working to internalize the messages and insight I received from Brene' Brown's books,  and from Gretchen Rubin's happiness project and both of her books on the same subject.  These stories, instructions and insights have allowed me to see past everyone else's highlight reel and realize that we all struggle with making decisions regarding our families, friends, personal achievements and external image.

When my children were very young, I was under a lot of stress.  Many mothers are, and while my experience might not be very different from others, it was MY experience colored by my perspectives, expectations and conditioning.  If you had asked me during that stressful time how I was doing I would have told you, "Great", "Fine" or maybe even "Army Strong".  I would have been incredibly angry if anyone had told me I needed to seek therapy, take medication or stop yelling so much.  I probably needed to do all those things, but I was not in a place where I could hear it.  I was so worried - consciously and subconsciously - about what other people would think, that I could not allow my children to just be. I would become so frustrated when they would not conform social norms.  I am not proud of my bullying of those sweet little children, but I am working on accepting that I gave them my best at the time, but it really was not good at all, and I can give them better today.

So many thoughts, so little focus

Well, at first this post was inspired by gorgeous business cards I saw on Pinterest:

 

Source: frenchsampleroom.com via Erin on Pinterest

Aren't they gorgeous?  And so clever for a custom rug manufacturer.  I love beautiful, simple, clever design.  I can't create it, but I appreciate and recoginze the hell out of it!

So then, that lead me to French Paper Sample Room and display of beautiful work that has been done using their paper (don't even get me started on the sheer number and types of white paper there are!!)

And this weekend I discovered the most beautiful handbags and accessories, with quality work and beautiful lining fabrics.  I mean seriously, I am not a purse kind of girl, but these are bags you will have your whole life.  And the founding concept?  True to my heart and life - military spouses working to create quality products, made in America by military spouses.  Be still my heart!  Check them out here, R.Riveter and take a look at this lovely piece:

 

Now, I am off to collect more fabulous images that make me smile and bring happy tears to my eyes!

Hello??

Obviously, I have been away for a while.  I am not exactly sure why.  Nothing interesting to say? Too much to say?  Not sure.  I have so many ideas they are clogging up the stream and making it difficult to execute.  One thing I have decided is that I will participate (and FINISH) National Novel Writing Month this year. 

Every year, in the month of November, writers and would-be writers pledge to write a novel in a month. December is the editing month.  The point is to write, write, write and get something on the page.  Don't worry about grammar, don't worry about plot holes, just get the damn thing out.  Don't tell, show.  I have started this project on two other occasions, but have never completed the task.  I vow to make it this time.  I do want to finally get this little boutique publishing biz off the ground already, plus I need to accomplish something from my list of life to dos. 

Have you tried out NaNoWriMo?  How did it go?  Any advice?

Thinking and reading

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and reading. After discovering Brene' Brown and her work, I have been consuming her books.  I also have been going back to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.  I have pre-ordered both of their new works, and will have one this week and one next week. 

I've been reflecting on what it is that I enjoy and how I can translate that to everyday life.  I wonder about my need to feel needed, how much energy I get from helping others to succeed.  I realized that rather than rich or famous, I want to be inspiring.  Although, rich wouldn't be bad either.

Figuring out how things come together and take shape is interesting to me.  I know for me, I mull stuff over for a while, sometimes crunching away in the back of my mind until something falls into place, like those puzzle games.  I am interested in other people's lives and the many lives they have lived.  I myself have really only life right now, but I know others that have transformed themselves, some several times or in drastic ways and I wonder how they had the knowledge and courage. 

I am grinding this in my mind, trying to find a way to pull it all together in a cohesive way to make something interesting, inspiring and intelligent. 

So many "I" statements in this post, but it is where things are at the moment.  Working on the inner to get to the best outer self. 

Just trying to apply this mantra to my everyday life:

Stumbling to a Better Life

While using StumbleUpon, I found this interesting site called High Existence.  It has links to different blog posts, discussion boards, etc.  I admit, some don't really appeal to me, but then some just reach up and grab me.

This post on 8 TEDtalks That Could Change Your Life Forever, was not an oversell. I love these 20 minute glimpses into the worlds of science, technology, human condition, and all the rest.  They are just enough to peak  pique my interest and send me searching for more.  Dr. Brene' Brown's talk (#2 on the list above) did just that.




I have been in a state lately, reading Dr. Brene' Brown's work.  She is a researcher storyteller and she studies what I would call the human condition.  She is/was a social worker and has done interesting work delving into shame and vulnerability and how that translates into our lives - for better or for worse. 

It has been eye opening to begin to identify the way these conditions affect lives and how releasing them allows us to move through them.  I won't pretend to have the ability to distill her life's work down into a few lines on my blog, but if any of the above sound interesting to you, please take a few minutes and listen to her talk or check out her website. 

As a parent, wife, member of society and a human being that has to live with myself on a daily basis, I am forever grateful that I have discovered a new perspective and way of looking at myself and the world.

Love this!

I have this board on Pinterest, called "Who would I be if I didn't have to be me".  It has cool funky steampunk clothes and wild hair, etc.  My sister, who is a stylist, is always getting new hair and she posted these pics of herself today. 

I am so jealous!   I love it.  But see, she is a young, hip hair stylist and can pull this look off.  I am a late 30's tax/business adminstration, wife of an Army officer, type on a very proper military post. Don't think it will go so well for me.  But Emily, she can rock it!

Something you love

I know all about what to do when I have something I love:  Make it my work, get up early so I have time, embrace it.  The problem is finding what the hell it is I love!  I see statements like the one below and I am encouraged and discouraged at the same time.  I have participated in activities that have both energized and drained me.  It was hard work, but work that I loved, that I felt made a difference. But then the need ended and other parts of life got in the way - moving, kids, no longer a need.  And that is frustrating.

I also have a short attention span.  I never realized this before, but apparently my son MAY have gotten the AD part of his ADHD from me.  If things get tedious and I can see no end or logic or reason to continue on a path, I am ready to throw in the towel.  Even though something great maybe around the corner.  Then this image haunts me:



So, I guess I will keep looking.  I will work on making positive statements.  I will enjoy each day and try to learn something new.  I will find a goal and work towards it.  I will expand my mind and shrink my negativity. 





This is hard work

I love browsing the Internet - StumbleUpon is a favorite obsession.  I get lost there for hours, just exploring new corners of the Internet I've never seen before.  I tend to get stuck in a rut, looking at the same sites over and over again and then getting annoyed or discouraged when there is nothing new to see there. I love being able to click "stumble" and explore new sites.  It is also encouraging/discouraging to me.  I am excited that there are so many sites, many devoted to the same types of topics and yet, a bit different and popular in their own ways.  I am discouraged, at times, because I feel as though I will never come up a with a creative thought or adequately be able to express it in such a way that anyone will give hoot to come see what I have had to say today. 

I think I need a collaborator.  Someone to help push me and guide me and encourage me.  I need some organization too.  I need to get some focus.  Anyone know where I can get a bucket or two of that? 

Perhaps I should have a theme for each day?  Tax Tuesday, for example. I don't know.  This is an experiment, after all. 

Hmmm...much thinking to do.  Trying to do this slowly and deliberately so I don't burn out with the latest "Big Idea". 

This really is hard work.

Miss Judgy McDisgruntledpants

I get so annoyed with what I call "Mommy fads".  Running marathons, DLSR cameras, Fifty Shades of Gray.  These grate on my nerves.  I know that some people genuinely like to run (I still think they are insane, but whatev).  I even would like to be the kind of person who liked to run, because then maybe I would be able to lose weight and get away fast enough so it won't find me again! 

It seriously gets under my skin when I see some mommy at the school holiday performance blocking the center aisle and getting all Annie Leibovitz with her little darling and getting in the way of everyone else's (read "my") cell phone shot because they (I) didn't bring a camera, yet again.  I just keep thinking how many hundreds of dollars that camera must have cost and don't they have anything better do with their money.  I think my disdain has something to do with what I would like myself to be and what I know myself to be.  I would like to be the type of parent that beautifully and patiently documents every joyous moment and milestone in my children's lives.  Who I am is a mother who likes her kids to be involved in only one activity at a time so it doesn't make her crazy trying to get to and from all over the place all week. 

I don't find much joy or appreciation in being me, much of time.  I just am, and always have been, someone who is just decent.  Decent at school, decent at sports, decent friend.  I just am a utility player and don't excel or am not the best at anything.  I wonder where that comes from and why does it bother me so much? 



Quietly freaking out inside

I am hoping my exterior is calm.  That I appear confident, but not cocky.  I wish I had taken that prep course.  I have an exam today, that is really of no consequence except that if I fail, my ego will take a bruising and my pocketbook with take a hit, since I will then have to pay for a prep course and the exam again. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we not prepare as we know we should?  Why do we spend and not save, tan and not apply sunscreen, do nothing then run around cleaning in a panic?  Is it the rush, is it confidence that gets tossed aside in a moment of self-doubt? Does the risk come with a welcome reward? 

I am wondering all these things and yet, I am sure I will probably continue to do most of them - although I think I am learning...

The Cold, Cruel Finger of Doubt

There are times when you feel so inspired, so right, and oh so perfectly perfect with an idea that it seems it can't possible fail and how could you have been so blind not to see it before now.

And, then...with the weight of silence, zero feedback, no response from those that have been sought for their input and the dead eye stare when one finally receives a connection...doubt begins to squeeze.

My life is average, but I seek to make it more.  My life is very good and I seek to recognize and appreciate it more.  My potential is great, and I seek to make something wonderful happen.  I have had many flashes of inspiration, of insight and of "the next great thing".  All tossed to the side, either in recognition of their flaws or in frustration and impatience. 

A work in progress, must be recognized as both WORK and PROGRESS.  To steadily toil at something is neither futile nor desperate, but admirable.  I should remember this and if the work along the way brings some joy to my heart, all the better, no matter the outcome.

Speak to Me

I love books.  I love to read, I love how they smell.  I love the thought of all those words, with all that potential.  When I walk into a bookstore, I just smile. I feel my brain open up, my heart lifts and I am inspired. 

Every step of the process is a little piece of my past calling out to me.  My love of a good story, the marketing, advertising and graphic design process, the printing and manufacturing, the logistics of it all.  It all speaks to me.

Speak to me, this phrase has been resonating with me for the better part of a year.  Whenever something fits, or inspires and draws me to a new place, I always say it speaks to me.  Now I know what does speak to me, with the voice of all my years.  Books and bringing them to people who will love them.  It is a new adventure - and trust me, I am always full of big ideas!  How long it will last and what shape it will take, I do not know.  For now, I know that I will find a way to listen to this voice that speaks to me.

Name, Email, Website

I have recently started following quite a few blogs on a consistent basis.  Not surprisingly, a few times I have wanted to comment and have found that many ask not only for your name and email, but for a website, too.  This is evidently a "thing".  I didn't have a website, I don't know that many people that do.  I have WANTED a website, I've tried to blog a couple of times, but had a difficult time thinking of anything interesting to say. 

But here it is.  THIS is the corner of the web I have declared as mine! It will be collection of what I find interesting, funny, smart, stupid, clever and whatever.  Perhaps I will eventually write that finance book or mystery novel.  Whatever it will be, it will be. 

I am dedicating myself to this, something that is finally just mine, to be for me...and you, I guess, if you decide you'd like to stay.  Just remember, I will need your name, email and website.

If you like, you can follow me on Pinterest