Changing Perspectives

"If you haven't had a major change of mind in the last five years, you haven't experienced growth."  A friend of mine posted something to that effect as her Facebook status about 2 years ago.  It has been nagging at me ever since.

I could not wrap my head around this.  Why would one HAVE to have a major shift in thinking to grow?  Are we all "wrong" about something if others don't agree?  Guess what?  We are all wrong, all the time, about everything, if that is true.  I initially took this as a challenge, or affront, to my currently held beliefs of all that is fodder for the never-ending news cycle: guns, religion, politics.

What I have concluded though, are that "Major Changes" in thinking, don't have to be major at all, or sudden, or even particularly noticeable at a given time.  I realized that I have had a seismic shift in how I think of parenting, expectations for my children, and education.  As a back story, let me explain that I am a "follow the rules, toe the line, listen to authority" kind of girl.  I become anxious, angry, and nauseous at the mere thought of breaking any kind of rule or social norm.  I am learning, as Brene' Brown says, to lean into the discomfort.

I have decided now that it is more important for my children to be who they are rather than what anyone else wants them to be. I do still hold the expectation for them to have at least a B average (I know myself enough to know I can't let it go completely) - if they are not struggling or working on learning new concepts. But grades are just one tiny measure of the potential of what someone can contribute to the world.  Put my son in a programming class, and watch out - he will be immersed.  Give my daughter anything artistically creative and she will wow you with her concentration.  I am dismissing from my mind that they must attend college to get ahead in the world.  Both of my children are very bright, but the best part is they see the world with a creative and humorous lens  - and I love that.

I am taking a page from Celebrate Calm and letting go of my own anxiety when my children do not do as I or society expects.  I am listening to some of John Bradshaw and Brene' Brown's ideas about shame and parenting.  I am working to internalize the messages and insight I received from Brene' Brown's books,  and from Gretchen Rubin's happiness project and both of her books on the same subject.  These stories, instructions and insights have allowed me to see past everyone else's highlight reel and realize that we all struggle with making decisions regarding our families, friends, personal achievements and external image.

When my children were very young, I was under a lot of stress.  Many mothers are, and while my experience might not be very different from others, it was MY experience colored by my perspectives, expectations and conditioning.  If you had asked me during that stressful time how I was doing I would have told you, "Great", "Fine" or maybe even "Army Strong".  I would have been incredibly angry if anyone had told me I needed to seek therapy, take medication or stop yelling so much.  I probably needed to do all those things, but I was not in a place where I could hear it.  I was so worried - consciously and subconsciously - about what other people would think, that I could not allow my children to just be. I would become so frustrated when they would not conform social norms.  I am not proud of my bullying of those sweet little children, but I am working on accepting that I gave them my best at the time, but it really was not good at all, and I can give them better today.

Stumbling to a Better Life

While using StumbleUpon, I found this interesting site called High Existence.  It has links to different blog posts, discussion boards, etc.  I admit, some don't really appeal to me, but then some just reach up and grab me.

This post on 8 TEDtalks That Could Change Your Life Forever, was not an oversell. I love these 20 minute glimpses into the worlds of science, technology, human condition, and all the rest.  They are just enough to peak  pique my interest and send me searching for more.  Dr. Brene' Brown's talk (#2 on the list above) did just that.




I have been in a state lately, reading Dr. Brene' Brown's work.  She is a researcher storyteller and she studies what I would call the human condition.  She is/was a social worker and has done interesting work delving into shame and vulnerability and how that translates into our lives - for better or for worse. 

It has been eye opening to begin to identify the way these conditions affect lives and how releasing them allows us to move through them.  I won't pretend to have the ability to distill her life's work down into a few lines on my blog, but if any of the above sound interesting to you, please take a few minutes and listen to her talk or check out her website. 

As a parent, wife, member of society and a human being that has to live with myself on a daily basis, I am forever grateful that I have discovered a new perspective and way of looking at myself and the world.