Thinking and reading

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and reading. After discovering Brene' Brown and her work, I have been consuming her books.  I also have been going back to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.  I have pre-ordered both of their new works, and will have one this week and one next week. 

I've been reflecting on what it is that I enjoy and how I can translate that to everyday life.  I wonder about my need to feel needed, how much energy I get from helping others to succeed.  I realized that rather than rich or famous, I want to be inspiring.  Although, rich wouldn't be bad either.

Figuring out how things come together and take shape is interesting to me.  I know for me, I mull stuff over for a while, sometimes crunching away in the back of my mind until something falls into place, like those puzzle games.  I am interested in other people's lives and the many lives they have lived.  I myself have really only life right now, but I know others that have transformed themselves, some several times or in drastic ways and I wonder how they had the knowledge and courage. 

I am grinding this in my mind, trying to find a way to pull it all together in a cohesive way to make something interesting, inspiring and intelligent. 

So many "I" statements in this post, but it is where things are at the moment.  Working on the inner to get to the best outer self. 

Just trying to apply this mantra to my everyday life:

Stumbling to a Better Life

While using StumbleUpon, I found this interesting site called High Existence.  It has links to different blog posts, discussion boards, etc.  I admit, some don't really appeal to me, but then some just reach up and grab me.

This post on 8 TEDtalks That Could Change Your Life Forever, was not an oversell. I love these 20 minute glimpses into the worlds of science, technology, human condition, and all the rest.  They are just enough to peak  pique my interest and send me searching for more.  Dr. Brene' Brown's talk (#2 on the list above) did just that.




I have been in a state lately, reading Dr. Brene' Brown's work.  She is a researcher storyteller and she studies what I would call the human condition.  She is/was a social worker and has done interesting work delving into shame and vulnerability and how that translates into our lives - for better or for worse. 

It has been eye opening to begin to identify the way these conditions affect lives and how releasing them allows us to move through them.  I won't pretend to have the ability to distill her life's work down into a few lines on my blog, but if any of the above sound interesting to you, please take a few minutes and listen to her talk or check out her website. 

As a parent, wife, member of society and a human being that has to live with myself on a daily basis, I am forever grateful that I have discovered a new perspective and way of looking at myself and the world.

Love this!

I have this board on Pinterest, called "Who would I be if I didn't have to be me".  It has cool funky steampunk clothes and wild hair, etc.  My sister, who is a stylist, is always getting new hair and she posted these pics of herself today. 

I am so jealous!   I love it.  But see, she is a young, hip hair stylist and can pull this look off.  I am a late 30's tax/business adminstration, wife of an Army officer, type on a very proper military post. Don't think it will go so well for me.  But Emily, she can rock it!

Something you love

I know all about what to do when I have something I love:  Make it my work, get up early so I have time, embrace it.  The problem is finding what the hell it is I love!  I see statements like the one below and I am encouraged and discouraged at the same time.  I have participated in activities that have both energized and drained me.  It was hard work, but work that I loved, that I felt made a difference. But then the need ended and other parts of life got in the way - moving, kids, no longer a need.  And that is frustrating.

I also have a short attention span.  I never realized this before, but apparently my son MAY have gotten the AD part of his ADHD from me.  If things get tedious and I can see no end or logic or reason to continue on a path, I am ready to throw in the towel.  Even though something great maybe around the corner.  Then this image haunts me:



So, I guess I will keep looking.  I will work on making positive statements.  I will enjoy each day and try to learn something new.  I will find a goal and work towards it.  I will expand my mind and shrink my negativity. 





This is hard work

I love browsing the Internet - StumbleUpon is a favorite obsession.  I get lost there for hours, just exploring new corners of the Internet I've never seen before.  I tend to get stuck in a rut, looking at the same sites over and over again and then getting annoyed or discouraged when there is nothing new to see there. I love being able to click "stumble" and explore new sites.  It is also encouraging/discouraging to me.  I am excited that there are so many sites, many devoted to the same types of topics and yet, a bit different and popular in their own ways.  I am discouraged, at times, because I feel as though I will never come up a with a creative thought or adequately be able to express it in such a way that anyone will give hoot to come see what I have had to say today. 

I think I need a collaborator.  Someone to help push me and guide me and encourage me.  I need some organization too.  I need to get some focus.  Anyone know where I can get a bucket or two of that? 

Perhaps I should have a theme for each day?  Tax Tuesday, for example. I don't know.  This is an experiment, after all. 

Hmmm...much thinking to do.  Trying to do this slowly and deliberately so I don't burn out with the latest "Big Idea". 

This really is hard work.

Miss Judgy McDisgruntledpants

I get so annoyed with what I call "Mommy fads".  Running marathons, DLSR cameras, Fifty Shades of Gray.  These grate on my nerves.  I know that some people genuinely like to run (I still think they are insane, but whatev).  I even would like to be the kind of person who liked to run, because then maybe I would be able to lose weight and get away fast enough so it won't find me again! 

It seriously gets under my skin when I see some mommy at the school holiday performance blocking the center aisle and getting all Annie Leibovitz with her little darling and getting in the way of everyone else's (read "my") cell phone shot because they (I) didn't bring a camera, yet again.  I just keep thinking how many hundreds of dollars that camera must have cost and don't they have anything better do with their money.  I think my disdain has something to do with what I would like myself to be and what I know myself to be.  I would like to be the type of parent that beautifully and patiently documents every joyous moment and milestone in my children's lives.  Who I am is a mother who likes her kids to be involved in only one activity at a time so it doesn't make her crazy trying to get to and from all over the place all week. 

I don't find much joy or appreciation in being me, much of time.  I just am, and always have been, someone who is just decent.  Decent at school, decent at sports, decent friend.  I just am a utility player and don't excel or am not the best at anything.  I wonder where that comes from and why does it bother me so much? 



Quietly freaking out inside

I am hoping my exterior is calm.  That I appear confident, but not cocky.  I wish I had taken that prep course.  I have an exam today, that is really of no consequence except that if I fail, my ego will take a bruising and my pocketbook with take a hit, since I will then have to pay for a prep course and the exam again. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we not prepare as we know we should?  Why do we spend and not save, tan and not apply sunscreen, do nothing then run around cleaning in a panic?  Is it the rush, is it confidence that gets tossed aside in a moment of self-doubt? Does the risk come with a welcome reward? 

I am wondering all these things and yet, I am sure I will probably continue to do most of them - although I think I am learning...